- Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the
event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
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Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.
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Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the
bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb.
bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
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Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone!
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Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili.
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
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Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank,
wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)
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